Loaded
Not All Men.
Naavya Marwaha | | /scholars

It’s the phrase we hear time and time again, albeit in a very narrow set of circumstances. It’s never used, for example, when male commentators opine on how men are better drivers than women, or men are great at reading maps.

insert your own overused stereotype here.

For some reason, those that screech #NotAllMen! never seem to take issue with those such generalizations or sweeping statements.

But when women talk about sexual violence and harassment, as they have done in their droves since the Harvey Weinstein allegations came to light, you can bet your 50 fils that men will queue up to take issue with it.

Here’s how it usually goes:

Woman: I’ve been shouted at in the street, groped in nightclubs, assaulted on the metro, and was raped by my boyfriend.

Man: Actually, I think it’s important to make clear that not all men are like this. Most men would never behave in such a terrible way. I certainly wouldn’t. Isn’t it a bit sexist to tar all men with the same statement?

The #NotAllMen brigade doesn’t sincerely think that women talking about the violence we’ve been subjected to at the hands of men are under the impression that every single man on the planet has behaved in a similar way.

That would be, well, a bit silly.

If nearly every woman you know has faced sexual violence or harassment in one form or another throughout her life, then us asking why ‘’ men’’ continue to perpetuate this culture, shouldn’t be controversial.

So #NotAllMen doesn’t clarify anything. It doesn’t add to the discussion or develop it in any way. All it does is derail and dismiss the lived experiences of women and girls. And what the men who leap to remind us that ‘’not all men are like that’’, are actually saying is, ‘’I’m not like that.’’ Or to put it another way, they are letting women know that discussing misogyny makes them uncomfortable, and they’d like to be absolved of any blame before they will let women continue.

I asked over 50+ men and women aged 16-28 what they would do if the opposite sex didn’t exist for 24 hours. Here’s what they said.

  • “Same thing I usually do but would probs miss my mom”
  • “Do what I’m normally doing”
  • “Umm… The same things I always do lmao”
  • “Would not simp”
  • “Purge”
  • “Would likely end up appreciating all the little things they used to do. Sleep it off I guess”
  • “Nothing”
  • “I finna go sleep”
  • “Literally the same things I usually do lmao”
  • “No headache for 24 hours”
  • “Wait..temporarily? Is there porn tho?”
  • “Save money”
  • “Jerk off alone”
  • “Sad, cause no one to f*ck”
  • “Nothing would change lol”
  • “Nothing different except no action”
  • “Same things I do all the time”
  • “Chill?”
  • “Miss my mom”
  • Sad, cause I’ll miss my mom”
  • “Miss my mom.”
  • “Miss my girl”
  • “I would miss my mom”
  • “I’ll be sad”
  • “I’d do nothing and just wait till the next day till women come back”

  • “Go out late at night wherever I want, without fear”
  • “Wear whatever I want to wear”
  • “Leave the house knowing I’ll be safe”
  • “Take a taxi”
  • “Wear whatever I want to without being judged or stared at”
  • “Go on a late-night walk”
  • “Walk around late at night freely with no worries”
  • “Walk around late-night wearing whatever the f*ck I want”
  • “Go out at night and not be worried about some scary guy following me”
  • “Walk around with shorts/short dress comfortably”
  • “I’d go out at night and not worry about whether something would happen to me”
  • “Take a walk at 2 am”
  • “Wear what I want :)”
  • “Basically do anything at night”
  • “Go out with my girls wearing whatever I want at whatever time I want!!!”
  • “I’d walk alone at night with a skimpy outfit without being scared”
  • “Get drunk at a party”
  • “Get drunk”
  • “Wear sexy clothing on public transport without a ‘covering’”
  • “Party”
  • “Not carry a pocketknife everywhere I go”
  • “Walk every and anywhere in any outfit I want to without a care in the world”
  • “Eat or drink whatever I want to if I’m at a party–Without the fear of it being spiked”
  • “Go out for a walk at midnight and stay out till sunrise”
  • Wear whatever I wanted without being afraid someone would make a vile comment”
  • “Live in peace.”

    • If you are a man and don’t recognize yourself in the behavior described by women recently, then great. This discussion of it shouldn’t offend you, or put you on edge. The men who are behaving like allies in this are the ones that are amplifying women’s voices, examining their own behavior, and not drowning out our conversations in search of praise or validation.

    “When women and their allies talk about these things (patriarchy/sexism/misogyny/rape/violence against women) we are NOT talking about men as individuals. We are talking about structural issues: patriarchal society, institutions, and systems. You are the one who takes it upon yourself to make this personal with your “not all men” slogan. We must never forget that one benefits from privilege by being part of a group, not because of anything you have done to earn or deserve it. By being a man, you are more privileged in a society than a woman. Similarly, by being white, one is more privileged than people of color. By being straight/cis-gendered, one is more privileged than LGBTQ people. All these, as you may have noticed, are accidents of nature — you did nothing to earn or deserve such privilege. When we do not acknowledge this, we are part of the problem.”

    Most women AND men are raped by men. The rape statistics in Kenya are shocking. The fact that you have never hit a woman does not negate the fact that most violence against women is gender-based, and is perpetrated by men. The fact that you have never raped a woman (or man) does not negate the fact that most rapists are male. The fact that you know women who are educated does not erase the fact that more women than men are uneducated by design. The fact that you know women who earn more than you does not negate the fact that women still earn less than men for the same work. This is the reality. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. We do not “hate men” because we are acknowledging facts backed by statistics all over the world. —Brenda Wambui, The Problem with ‘Not All Men”, Medium.com**

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